Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
