just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
