I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
