I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
