it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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