Will you blow on my dice?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
