you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
