I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize
