I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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