I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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