Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
