I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
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She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.