so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??