I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.