i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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