she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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