i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
