If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
