i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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