Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
