I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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