The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
