I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
