Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
