matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
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I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
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I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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