I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Randomize
