if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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