I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
