Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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