just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
