dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
