Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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