I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
