I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
