I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
