The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
