the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
