I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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