no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
