non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
