I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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