I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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