Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
