just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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