Swine flu. Run for my life!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
