Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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