i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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