wanna go halves on a baby?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
