how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
