now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
