Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
