:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Found the puke drawer
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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