Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
