i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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