Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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