I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
