The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
