A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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