this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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