Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
