can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
