He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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