I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
