just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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