The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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