if i can run in heels then i can drive
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
